


Constipation

by tarienn



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, No Smut, Smut, shitpost, trash party
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2018-11-29 11:50:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 6,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11440257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarienn/pseuds/tarienn
Summary: In which I post mispelled garbage and joke chapters.This is not an attempt to make a jab at the Zootopia fandom, nor is it a sarcastic commentary on the state of Wildehopps or ANYTHING ELSE! This is just me being stupid and writing whatever the hell I want. It's all in good fun, please don't be mad at me *kisses you on forehead*Disclaimer: This collection is rated E for Everyone!... I mean Explicit...





	1. Nik's dik

**Author's Note:**

> In which Nick and Judy partake in something special this holiday season:

> April 1st, 20XXX

And then, she touched his dik.

“Thanks” nik said.

“No prob, portner” said Judy sexyly.

And than thay had a giggol.

The end.


	2. Stork roasts 3: Quik dik nik and the pants of nik that he has to take off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our Jude the dude makes a presumptuous request after a romantic evening

> April 2nd, 20XXX

"quick nik, get the dick out" Jud said, much hasty in her voice.

Nik got his pants off super quik and said proudly, "It is done, small poof", then he grined all over his own face.

"Wow, nik that was quik." she was impressed. "I gues I'll have to call you quik dik nik from now on."

"You know it," Nick chunkled, his tod rod was _stiiiff_ , but he secret hoped that she wold never call him that actually. Tht wios a stupid name.

And then she rubbed his not while he dangeled out of the blimp.

"I thik I just nutted on on of my rollercosters." He said that because he did

"oops" they both said, than they had a google.

To be continud?


	3. Stick Corntoast 4: Prude Jude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick reciprocates the delightful gesture that was bestowed upon him just recently

> April 2nd, 20XXX  
>  It dark outside

"Nik, gotta go some sleep" Jud said, yawning real wide with her mouth so that Nik could see them pearl whtes. But nik wasn't tired, so he spoke instead "Not so fast" he spoke. And then, judy got thrown ontop of nik bed and she pfft in surprise because she was shoked but not really it was kinda sexy.

"Yo made nkot feel good so I make you feel good too." The dum fox sait And then, he touched her down there but it was kida diffult because she had jeans onan jeans are a tight so he took them of her.

"Oh, nick." Judy said with sexly voice "Fels good but you gaota go fast because im bunny"

And then, nick went really faster until his rist hurts.

"Thanks," Jud said but was realy tired but felt good so it okay

"No prob, carot" he wiggled his forehead

"I guess ill have to call you quik dik but also fast wrist fox rocket"

The two sneakered a bit but nick quickly intterpted the laugh

nick spoke fastly "pleas don't call me that... thats a stupd name"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I'm working on Constants and Stark Contrasts still...


	4. wat has tobe done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick and Finnick get in a little sticky situation that has a pleasurable outcum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> atuhors nose: this hapen before nick meet judy

And then, finik put the big huge ice cremon the floor.

"Heye littl bud," Nick says from behind, very secy foice but with look on face that very secudcitve.

Finck turne around and see nick and nick is standig there so fnick can see but nick quick put his paw down fink pants.

"hey!" finik shouted at loud, "get your hand out of thare, what about judy?" finckk voice was so deep and low down nick was being very turned on about his voice being so deep like what it was

nick had a glem in his eye, but then said" no it ok, this is before I met Judy so it ok, I'm not cheatin' on her"

"oh, ok" finik sais while Nick fondled both of their fox coxx at same time twith two paws but both at same time.

"It is calld the hustle, now give big kiss for dady."

and then, finink and nick become together and do hot things for 4 huors

and Finn..z Finnic was the best ice crem of al

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remebr that nick has not meet judy yet! pleas don't block me


	5. The Jacking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick and Jack partake in the special ritual of penis touching

"Nik, it has been two long" Jack sais from behind the him

Nick spin around very faster and sees that there is a very well dressd white bun with blak stripes and he look very xexy, but Nik play it cool: "hi" he says

"I am here to steal Judy from you, you donut deserv her" he said, getting ready for karaet fighting, he is very good at karaete chopping

Nick laughd hardly and open eyes large and say" but I have not even meet Judy yet!"

"Oh," Jak says, his plan is foiled and become little sadly but he has new plan!

"Its called a hus--" nick spoke but he was interputed!

"I am here to steal you from Judy Judy does not deserve you!" he stepped forward really running and grabbed nick and did a cool flip and nick got really surprise but it was kinda hot so nick got _stiiff_ in the vulpine peen(if you know what I meen). Jsack pulled nick into a kiss and then remembderd he still had nice suit on so dropped nick on the ground real quick "hold on, don't want to mess up my nice spy suit"

So jack get o out of his spy suit and it fell to the ground then pickd nick back up because he's stron

"Now, where were we?"Jack said with sex voice

"Ok this is super hot, but who are you?"

Then they had sum dicc touching and it was sooo _hot_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nick not met Judy yet ok


	6. Headless criminals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick and Judy have a heartfelt and meaningful discussion

Jud came down the stairs and find ncik

"Nick, what r you doing?" She asked the nick

Nick turns, a toaster popping behind his. "It's called a a toaster struddel, sweetheart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stark Contrasts 3 is in editing now >_>


	7. I must go now, my aninmals need me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jack bids a found farewell to Nick and Judy, who have just finished a grand adventure together.

"Goodby, Nick," Jack said to the nik and jidy, his voice full of sadiness, and sorry. "Farewell also Judy. I must go."

"We will never forgt you," Nik said, tears streaming down his own face. "Will we ever c u again?" 

"As long as you remember our adventur, I will always be right here" He pointed at nik and judys harts. Then turned around, wavign a paw in farewaell. He flapped his ears, flying off into the sunshet.

Ncik sniffleed, whipping the sad tear from his eyebs. "There goes the best spy angel alien that I ever meet."

Jiody but a paw on him arm, comfroting him. "Nick who the fuck was that?"


	8. Gidjyun Greyt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gideon the Great interacts with lively characters of familiarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fixed some typos

"gidon!" Jidy souted loud. "Gidun gray well Ill be darmed"

"Oh, uh, h-hey, J-Judy!" Gideon replied, unable to shake an uncanny feeling. Something seemed rather... _off_ about Judy.

"i want you to meat, nik!" judy sais, very prouder. Nik come from behind her, revealing the himself. 

Nick held out him paw to shake gidoen, "It called a hustle sweatheard"

"Uh..." Gideon hesitated, feeling rather uncomfortable. "Y-you two feelin' alright? Y'all are talkin' awful funny." He took a step back, deciding not to shake the paw of the poorly dressed fox that Judy had introduced.

"lol, gidoen, why ar you bein' so rude? nic is nice fox, like u!" Judy stumpd her rabbot foot in the ground.

Gideon grew alarmed as Judy's foot seemed to enter the ground, as if a writing error had somehow become manifest. He was very confused, almost to the point of being physically ill. Something was not right.

He turned away deciding to flee from Judy, or at least, the doppelganger of Judy. Whoever... or w _hatever_ just spoke with him was  _not_ Judy Hopps.

"GIDAON"! the rabbit shoted, "where ya gon?"

Gideon ducked as he heard the sound of a gunshot, and let out a terrified yelp as he continued to run. In his panic, he nearly stumbled over his own feet. He turned the corner, trying to keep upright. He slowed, winded. Slunched over, he tried to catch his breath.

Deciding to assess his situation, he noticed that he somehow arrived in Zootopia. Or... a poor facsimile of Zootopia. The buildings were tall, twisted, and crude, as if drawn by a child. His eyes grew wide as he took in his surroundings. He felt ill, nauseous, nothing made sense.

Then, in the distance, a familiar figure, a black sheep.

He raced toward her, as fast as his hefty body could take him. She was facing away from him, still.

"S-Sharla!" he huffed, "S-Sharla, ya gotta help me!"

No response.

"S-S-Sharla?" He shuddered, not quite liking how silent she was. "Y-ya alright? P-please, things aint right. Judy was talkin' all funny, t-then she-"

Sharla finally turned around. "oh hay gidoen!" she takd, seeinf her long time freind mad her happy.

"Wha-" He stammered, quickly taking a step back. She seemed happy to see him, and yet she was angry. "Wh-what in the heck is goin' on here?!"

"wats wrong?" sharls ask the gidon, she was cofused, and woriad of her fox friend. "r u  feiling ok?" she steeped forward, reach a paw at him.

"N-no!" He shouted as the facsimile of Sharla began brewing a pot of tea. "W-what is this place? Who- what are you?! You ain't Sharla!"

"clam down!" the maminal triy to clam him. she rushd over to his and want to pet hjis head for comfart.

"G-get away!" He fell backward as he tripped over his feet, he was much too panicked to get away effectively. So he covered his face, clenching his eyes, as if not seeing the strange things would make them disappear. "J-just leave me alone!"

gidjun grey woke in him bed, all swetyy and gros. 

"gah" he yel. he lok around and see him own bed, he ws safe. gideon were home, safe "O what a horrible drem" he spoke about his horribl dreme.

"shh everyhing ok now" shooshd the sharla in him bed next to him. (Bcuz they are bfriend/gfriend) "you are safe from the horible drem"

 

and then, she touched his dik

"thaks" gideon said

then thay had a gideoggle


	9. bone hurt owe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick drinks a beverage that causes him discomfort

"Nick" the rabit sayd. "Did u drink that juice on this tabl?"

"It callt a hussle, cupcake." Nik sid, stupid grin on he face.

"Nik that was not grap juice, that was bone hurting juice!" Jud said, panic in voice.

"Oh..." Nik stop grinning, but still sit ther.

"Your bones do not hert?" Jud confuse

"They do, but at least one thing dosn't hurt" him grin again

"wat..."

"My... _bone_ r." nick pause for joke laugh

oh, jud say 

and then, they had a goggle, but quickly judy stop because she remember something important and have to tell nick because there is something wrong that nick must know so judy say with much fast and urgent with mouth wide and open to at nick

"Nik, you are a fox animal! You have a accual bone in your _bone_ r!" 

"Oh yeah... ow oof ouchie my bones."


	10. oh shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Judy gets shot and Nick must confess his sins in front of a live studio audience

"Nik, I'm got shot" Jud said, bleeding in Nick arms.

"Nooo! When did that hapan?" He ask, confus

"Doasnt matter, I don't have muc time left" Jeudy said, much pain in her voice

"No! I naver got to confess my love for you" nick cry, him very sad that tears mix in the rabit blood

"it not too late, I'm stil here," she raise she paw to his face, much sad

"Judy I--"

"Blood!" Judy ashout

"Uh, Judy I lo-"

"Blood!" shout again by judy

"... Judy I lov-"

"And _death_ " she went limp and stick tongue out.

"Noooo!" Nick cry, even sadder now that judy die

the audience cry, even clawedhoser "No! Nick you supposede to finish the line before she die! Now she dead! You can never tell she how you feel!"

Nick look up confus, "Wiat, what is this?"

"It's a play dumb-dumb." She replied quietly trying to keep in character. She lay stiff in Nick's arms, covered in ketchup and her tongue hung from her mouth. They both wore mock police uniforms, lovingly hand-made by Judy.

"Oh... so that's what this is..." he thought for a moment, thinking back on the past few events, or _scenes_. It was all starting to make sense. Well, more sense than what was offered before. The poor writing and nonsensical storyline could be forgivable, considering Judy was only nine years old. 

The curtain began to lower, sounds of sorrow and applause arose from the audience. Nick held his pose, suppressing his feelings of confusion and replacing them with a morose look of regret and longing.

> Thursday, March 14th, 20X2
> 
> Noon
> 
> Woodlands Elementary School, Bunnyburrow

The curtain fell, lights on the stage illuminated.

"Yes!" Judy exclaimed, hopping from Nick's arms. "That was wonderful, Nicky!" She slapped him on the shoulder in congratulations. "Best school play ever!"

As she walked away, Nick looked down at his paws. The ketchup that had felt so much like blood a moment ago staining his fur.

Nick had enraptured himself so much into playing his part, that he completely forgot that he was simply playing a part in a school play. His terrible acting skills notwithstanding. His heart beat faster, he was so close to letting Judy know the truth. Maybe now... now was the time.

"W-wait!" Nick said, surprised that his voice sounded much... younger than it had a moment ago. "J-Judy wait!"

Judy turned, beaming with pride from the performance they had just delivered. "Yes? What's up?"

"Judy..." Nick said her name once more. She looked so young, so small. Despite him being small as well, he was still taller by at least a few inches. "Judy I-I..."

"Yes?" Judy pressed, tilting her head. "Spit it out, Slick."

"Carrots, I really... I do love-" Nick hesitated. A new thought came to him, a much more important one. "Wait- how did we just get away with making a school play with all those adult innuendos and mature references...? Not to mention the swearing..."

**"Don't worry about it."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, Judy. Learn to spell your own name, gurl!


	11. Nick and Judy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick and Judy depart on a grand multi-dimensional adventure broh.

"J-judy..." Nik say over the phoen, "Jydy cc-come to the *burp* garage, Judy. I got somethin' to sho ya, Judy"

"Uncle Nick?" Judy was nercous, whenver Unlce Nick ask judy come to the garage, he should something distrubting. "I-I-I don't think I wanna, sounds like you've been drinking again..."

"T-tt-trust me, Judy, it'll be *burp* it'sll be great. Just just get down here ya little shit *burp*"

Jduy started on her way to the garage, "Did you just trun yurlsef into a pickle agan?" Judy thought ashe seen it all. Last week it was pickel nick, what could be this week even?

No reponse.

"Nick?" she ask, not repsoned again. "Nick?" She louder now.

Nick fall out of some boxes and mad a huge mess, "Ahh!" He shoult. "Ah damnit."

"Y-you gonna show me somethin'?" Jud asked nerouvsly "I was kinda in the middle of somethin', looks like you just tripped so I'll--"

"Wa-wait! *burp* Judy!" He got up and sudsted himself off, he smell like booz and I guess he was drinking or whatever. "Look!"

Nick pulled a pistol from his labcoat and shoot at the floor before Judy cna realize whet him doing.

Portal open up in the flor. "Whoa!" Judy shout with mouth wide and eyes really very open. "N-nick? Is that a portal?"

"N-not jhust any *burp* portal, Judy. It's a portal to the *burp* DIK dimension, it's like full of nothing but diks. You like that type of shit don't you?"

"Uhh, uncle Nick, I don't really wanna-" Judy dnint' wanna.

Before she could agrue, nick grab he shoulders. "C'c'cmon Judy. I just n-need to have you help *burp* with a little experiment real quick ok?"

"What? No! Uncle Nick I don't wanna-"

Nick try to shove Judy in the portal, "C'mon, it's like we're gonna go on an adventure. N-never know what we'll run into. We *burp* could even run into like different versions of us!"

Judy struggle, "no really, I don't wanna--!" She hit nick in the face.

"Ah, damnit! J-just get in the damn-"

Nick trip, fall on judy. Then oh damn they fall in and really screaming while they tumnble. "Ahh!" they shout as they fall. The portal close


	12. neon solders ass-emble!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick and Judy and Jack and Skye and Clawhauser must come together and fight a giant dik... as a SpaceTeam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Gave each of the characters their own little diks to play with. they are hidden in the story. See if you can find all five!

"guys! Some dik is attacking our precius home of Isosceles Triangle Grove!" Judy yell when she come in the Nick working place, which is a burger shop call bug burger bug burger. He was cooking som burgers made of bugs, but then he look rely fast at Judy when she yelled at him and the burger gont burnt! :(

"Juy," Nick frown really hard but just kidding so him smile again also, "Just kidding," he say "It's called a hustle, sweet--"

"NIck, this is no time for hustles," Judy⊃ wave her paws in the air interupt, but quickly spek more "come on! We are the neon soldierss we have to protec the cit!" She grab him arm and pull him outside.

"realy, you really just announce that in front of everyone huh?"

\----

"Oh crap!" Clamhouse hiss and back archd, "The dik got super big some how after we beat it up with our martial artists!"

"ya for real," Jack said unabused, "we kicke and pucnhed a dik and it got super tall and hard, go figure" He blew the long dark locks of emo hair out of his eyes as he held up his neon morpher! "It morpin time!"

"Neon soldire red!" Judy shout, making super cool stance! "Hah!" A red noen solder outfit appear in a flash and she make another cool pose, she look so cool!

"Neon solder blue!" Clamhoser shout and a blue skin tight outfit appear around him, but it too small so his belly hung out. But he stil look really cool but he just really fat.

"Neeon Solder orange!" Shout nick, getting a super sexy outfit that is more red than orange but w/e

"Neon soldier white!" Shout skye⊃! ANd she got a black outfite

"Neon soldir silver!" Should jack, and he puts on a pair of sunglasses and his silver outfit appeard but for some reason the pants didn't appear so he had just a pair of undies. "Even though I have no pants, I wil stil deliver justice!" he said, even though he was embarassed.

"Everyone!" Shout the Nick leader, "form the mega manimal!"

"Hayuah!" they all shout and jump super cool in the air, it got really glowing and bright and smoke everywhere but then they merge into a giant robot rabbit/fox hybrid mech transformer bot.

"Ok guys," Calmhustler╰U╯ cheerd," we must work together as a team! and STRIKE!"

"Ultra Justiec Strike!" They all shout and press the button in front of them when they're sitting in the cockpoit of giant robot but each have there own little **_cock_ ** pit so they can see what happening, except jack⊃, hus **_cock_** pit was on the back of the robot and it was upside down. cocks

After more smoking and becoming glowing lik rainbow, the robot reached forward and touched the giant dik, and the dik explod sending little bits of dik all over the city, there were many causalities.

"Yes! we did it!" they all yell and give each other high fours.

Meanwhile,...

A portla open up on top of skyscraper and two mamals fall out.

"ack!" the rabbit yell

"a shit!" the fox yell but then burp. He quicly get up and dust himself off and look around.

"Uhh... Uncle nick⊃?" Judy said, standing up and watching a colorful giant robot high-five itself in the distance. "W-where the heck are we?"

Nick looked around a bit, observing the splattered remains of a giant dik, and the five teenage mammals with attitude that were responsible for the mess. "I told you, Judy. We're in a *burp* dimension were everyone is a dick."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goood HEAVENS this was hard to write. I even had to turn my autocorrect off...


	13. rawlnintendo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Skye and Jack partake in a very special moment, but then a sudden fact is made apparent for our poor Winter Hare.

> June 8th, XXX
> 
> Afternoon, around 5:13 PM, and it's a little rainy I guess
> 
> Jack's super secret spy laboratory/office/thrift store
> 
>  

And then, she touched his dik

"Thanks," Jack said to Skye.

"No prob, parnter." she say.

And thy were about to have a gigol but then Skye say something:

"acually I think your dik is broken, it's really smol."

Jack sigh and rub him eyeballs. "It's not broken, that just how big it is." Jack got emebarased and try to put pants back on

"I know just kidding, thanks" Skye tease, "its so cute!"

"you should not tease a guy about his dik," jack said and allowed the dik touching to resume

And then, Jack fell of the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Then she took a wrench and fixed the smol dik. Then Jack had trouble walking for a bit.  
> [Hmm](https://youtu.be/KBjhAqXg8MY)


	14. Zootopia: Unknown constipulations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick and Judy team up to fight the dark world above them, and unite a divided people, all so that they may close shut the jaws of Unknown Constipulations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please eveyone enjoy, i work many days to make this really long and epic fight fanfictive for my favorite movie zootopia
> 
> please do not steal, if you are interest in using my story for a sequel for zootopia please email me or call my cell we will talk

It is a dark futur. It is a future that is sad and Mammels are sad and they hate the city.

Zootopia was ones a city that all Mammels come and really love and have happy and family but now not anymore. Now the Criminals have taken over and now everyone is angry and not satisfied with the happy in the city anymore. now all the Mammels live in underground tunnels and must where party hats to survive. party hats make happy and give Mammels hope and cheering so they will keep making the world a beter plais

"Nick!" Yelled the cop bunny with much loud. "What do you want" aske the fox partner and look at his bunny partnr that was very shorter than he was and was cuter too

"Dont call me cute" the bunny said with annoy "I didnt actually say that that was the narrative" Nicholas Wilde defens himself. "Oh ok thanks" she said embarrasd

Just then a Criminal fall into the underground tunnels, "Hah i am a Criminal and i will murder everyone I have found your little secret hide base and now you must all be scared and cryed" the other Mammels in the tunnel started to panikc and proteded their pretocted there party hats

"Not so fast Criminal!" Judy Hopps stood tall and stiff but the weasel was not back down and did not scared of the tinny bunny cop because that was what he was "What are you gona do right me a ticket?" said the Criminal

but then Judith Hopps got an idea and she wrote him a ticket "No! how did you know that was my weakeness please dont right me another ticket then i cant afford food this month"

the weasel was very sad and look at the ticket and it was over 1 hundred dollars! which was money that was too much money for him to pay and he was sad and regretted being a Criminal

"Judy Hopps! we can fight back!" Nicholas Wilde raise fists and shout with cheer "everyone Judy Hopps found criminal weekness we can go to the surface and fight back!"

"you must not go up there with hasty" said the weasel who was regretting his ways and his criminal hear twas melting so he begame regular Mammel this time and little boy otter gave him a party hat now so he could be good and nice. "what do you mean" Nick Wilde ask very careful not to trust the weasel because him use too be a criminal and criminals are not good and nice

"you'll never defeat the main dark criminal Mr. Big" the weasel shiver and shake with fear "you can right him a hundred tickets and he will just pay them all and keep being the dark evil criminal because he has rich!" "No" Nick Wilde says to keep every Mammels sprites up "I will beat the final criminal I have a plan" his eyes were bright like star suns and sly like a fox

then all the Mammels go out of the underground tunnles "look the Mammels are escaping" the army of criminals that taken over the city shout and the army had some tanks and missles and swords for stabing

"eveyone attack the Criminals!" Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde shouted together and hold hands because they falling in love.

"no they are writing tickets!" shout the evil criminal that was the evil leader of where they was and look really shock. "stop them! dont let them write the tickets or we will  not hold the city any more!"

They fight really hard and there was lots of smoke and blood and the criminals throw a granaid and blow up some poor Mammels. but they keep fight because justice and the plants were growing and colors in the city started to come and the sun and the birds all sing and cheer for the dark world to be happy

Nicholas Wilde look up and a tear fall off him eyes and he look at his beautfiul rabbit and says "Judy Hopps we did it we stand together and now the city is ours."

Judith Hopps wave her ears in happy and said bak to the Nick Wilde "Yes we are cops and now everyone can be cops too. because we made the world a better place and unknown fought the Unknown Constipulations" and then they laughed

and then, she touched his dik

"thanks" Nick Wilde said

"anytime for my partner Slick"

But just then Mr. Big says "stop right there cops" then all the happy and party stop and they look at the dark death evil criminal

 

TO BE CONTINUED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: I fixed a typo oops


	15. Zootopia: Unknown Constipulations 2: Where the Wilde wind dies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the brother of Nick Wilde, Joe Wilde, must step up to face the true meaning of Unknown Constipulations and bring light to a world in darkness.

Joe Wilde was Nicholas Wildes brother and was in a a apartment place and taking a bath.

BANG BANG came an sound form him basement.

He recognize that sound so he backflippe out of the bath and grabed his rocket laungher and go to where the sound was

When he got to where the sound was coming from he fround a small package, and it was from him brother Nick Wilde! "IT is from my bro!" Joe Wilde said with confuse because Nick Wilde not send him package before and it was oddd and strange.

He almost open but a note on the package with Nick Wildes writing says: "Donot open yet!" and it have winky face.

So Joe Wilde did not open it but he was curious so maybe he peak in it but before can a bomb blow up him basement wall! And Judy Hopps come out and say "Joe Wilde" she say "Nick Wilde is in trouble and you must come to help it is the Criminals they took him"

Then she sent him an email with the detaisl of the mission and then she got tired and slept.

Joe Wilde open him computer and see the email and read it.

"Dear Joe Wilde how are you? me and Nick Wilde and the other Mammels were fighting in battle but Nick got stole by Mr. Big! You have to rescure him PS I ams orry about your basement wall your door was locked, Love Judy Hoops, your bros GF"

Joe Wilde got sad but then he became angry and readyu to fight the Criminals and get him bro back! Joe Wilde put his computer to slep and got up from him comfort computer chair that was in front of the computer that he turned to sleep

Joe Wilde became ready and put him clothes on because he was still wet and naked from bath and went to his other basement where his left he Ferrari Jaguar Car. he put in his rocket launcher and a dozen granaits so he would fight the criminals.

He drive the car out of the basement and drive fast to the ramp and did a 360 in the car and landed and drove faster down the road.

The day was nice and sunny and not too many clouds were up in the very blue sky. Him say "good thing I take vacation time from my Mammel job as a computer guy so I can be a Mammel police and now I can be a Wilde and find the true meaning of Unknown Constipulations!" And drive down the road to where Nick Wilde was being kidnapped by Mr. Big and him drink some balognog which is like eggnog but made with balogna and is really good!.

The roads were rough and scarey because of the battles and the cops and Mammels and Criminals that were fighting in battles. the buildings were scratchy and blowed up and the flowers are dry and crunchy but the birds were starting to come back and sing pretty whistling because the Mammels were wining agains the enemies.

But Nick Wilde was still being kidnapped! "Its funny that we are winning, but bro is sitll being kidnap. It is time for the job to be done by Joe Wilde and no one else can do my mission not even bros girlfriend Judy hopps even tho she is pretty cool and nice"

Joe Wilde still driving down the city road and had to go fast "My brother is being kidnapped where he is!" And drove faster like a rocket ship and did a ramp jump off the road and jumped over all the buildings in the city and he dropped granaid and blow up some Criminals. "Sorry I could kill you evil guys .it is not time for me to deal with you yet. not yet"

"You will become a Criminal Joe Wilde!" Say the criminals "You used to be a Criminal so you will be criminal for all time!"

"NO!" Joe wilde yelled madder, "I would never be a crimianl again because that is evil and I have to save my bro from evil enemies like you!" Then he drove faster.

And then, he touched his own dik abit because it was a while before he got to the place where his bro was being stoled. "No it is not time to touch that. It is not time" then he put his dik away.

But before he got too farther he run into an elephant criminal! OH NO WHERE DID HE COM FROM! And the elephant trumpeted "I am strong and big Criminal and you will not go further so that the evil Criminal Mr. Big can kidnap your bro!"

"I will not let you stand there and in my way of my car I must ride fastly" He said and waited for the elephant to get cluser and then did a summersalt out of the car and shoot a rocket at the hug Criminal. The Criminal explod and died then Joe Wilde landed and walked the rest of the way because his car got crushed somehow :(

"Bro you come here to help me!" shout Nick Wilde and Joe Wilde run really fast to where Nick Wilde was being kidnapped by the dark Criminal lord! But he was too late! "NO!" Joe Wilde shout because Mr. Big took out a tiny SPACE BOMB and shotted Nick Wilde in the head and his head blow up. Then Mr. Big sayys "I have shot your bro and now the resisting will stop the tickets and shoting and the city will be mine again surrendr now or you will PAY!"

"NEVER!" Joe Wilde said as Mr. Big disappeared into the black darkeness. "He was my bro and I will find you and you will suffer you evil guy!"

TO BE CONTINUED


	16. Back to the Furture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Judy needs to provide some much needed roadhead to a desperate Nick.

"How do I...?" Judy said, frustrated.

"How do you  _what?"_ Nick grumbled back, trying to concentrate on the road. "What the heck are you even doing?"

"Ugh, I'm  _trying_ to make you feel good!" Judy whined.

"Well, you aren't doing a very good job-- o-ow! Hey watch where you jam that thing!"

Judy made some incompressible groans of frustration. Her mouth was obviously very busy.

"Oh...  _oh..._ Now we're getting somewhere." Nick hummed with pleasure. "Hehehe."

A moment passed, Nick driving into the Miami sunset, vectorized trees passed by the car, their glow reflecting off the chrome of the hood.

"Carrroooots..." He groaned deeply, "Ah! Wait! We forgot to--!"

But it was too late, the car hit 88 Miles per hour and started rumbling. A split second later, sparks engulfed the car and it disappeared in a streak of lightning.

Down the road however, another duo looked on. The fox lowered his binoculars.

"Uh-uh, Uncle Nick? Where are they?" The rabbit asked.

The fox let out a disgusting burp, spraying green fluid on the road in front of him. He wiped his muzzle with a sleeve. "Right *burp* right where we went them J-*burp* Judy. They went back in time to *burp* 1982."

"O-o-ok but what does that mean?" The alternate Judy nervously stammered, "This place already looks like it's straight out of some 80's video game commercial."

Before Judy could protest, Nick opened a portal in front of him and stepped through.

"Aw geez..." Judy said, following.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok ok, I'm over my writer's block now. Back to Constants and Contrasts!


	17. domo arigato

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick and Judy find that not everything is as simple as plug-and-play in real life.

And then, she touch'd his dik."Thank," Say nick 

"No prob, part--" Judy interupt becuase something fall on the floor like *thunk!* "oops...""

"Oops what?" Nick ask.

"I drop'd it."

"You drop'd...  _it?"_

"I'm drop'd your dik..." She pick it up, embarrass and dusted it off "Sorry! See? It's still oke"

"Juyd you can't jus drop an guys dik" 

"Im sorr!" she plug it back in and it make an humming noise.

Nick make a expression of irritation but then let the dik touch continue.

And then, Robo-Judy touch'd his robo-dik.

Slick-dik-robo-Nick and his fantastic stainless steal robo-dik then proceeded to deliver his protonic payload directly into the wall in front of him. tthe wall was destroy'd

"Whoa, slow down that cannon dik, slick." Robo-Judy circuited.

and then, they download'd a google

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aurora more: nicks dik isn’t really stainless steal it is a carbon composite crystalline nano structure. Able to withstand extreme temperatures and pressures uf up to 12000 PSI.  
> It also articulates and has g-spot servos


	18. ten out of ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Judy's leave Nick raving reviews for his services to lonely Judy's everywhere.

Reviews for Nick Wilde  _from Dim. XXX-69420_

* * *

 

★★★★★ - Judy L. Hopps  _from Dim. C-113_

_March 12th, 20X8_

A+, #1, best Nick Wilde in the multiaverse! Woud dik touch againn! I LOVE YOU NICKY! XOXOX

 

★★★★★ - Judy L. Hopps  _from Dim. TC-1414_

_March 13th, 20X8_

A bit older than my original Nick, but a great replacement for lonely nights! BEST NICK FOR DIK TOUCHING! I still miss my original Nick, RIP T_ T

Wish I could keep himn LOL

 

★★★★☆ - Judy L. Hopps  _from Dim. H-87_

_March 14th, 20X8_

So gud! Nik from my verse was taken. :( So have to use XXX-69420 Nick. Only took one star off becuause he wast into the claymore soword foreplae I wantd.

STILL GUD WOD DIK TOUHC AGAIN

P.S. Jack savag sucks! What a edgy f***ker.

_1 mammal disliked this review._

 

★★★★★ - Nick P. Wilde  _from Dim. GH-16_

_March 16th, 20X8_

Hmm, hansom Nick. dare I say he much seksy than me? Dik touching was top qualitiy. Very satisfied if ykwim(That means If You Know What I Meme, ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )


	19. accually is dolan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick reveals his true form, and puts an end to an age-old mystery.

And then, nik take off him mask! "ha-ha!" He say, "I was Jack all the long!"

"Gah!" Gasp the judy that was standing a front of him Nick but now jack

"I sorry you find out this way," Jack talk, shakcing his head.

"It ok, just tell me earlier next time" Judy say, and they laughed!

But the laughtr over because jack take off his mask "Acutlaly I was Skye all along," Skye say, taking of the jack mask.

Judy gasp again, "it all make sense now!" and then moved head real fast up to look into the blue sky to shout

"I must reveal to you my dark secrets,' say skye.

"No," Judy say, putting her finger on skye lips, "I love you no mater who you are under those mask!"

"Then you will still love me if--" Skye take of her mask to reveal "That I am Judy all along!"

Judy gasp again but then got tear fall and head looked slow to the ground. "But then that means that you were me all along,"

"Yes, Judy," Say Judy, "I am Judy, you."

"That means that there is no dik for touch for me, I mean us." Judy say again to Judy

"Actually," And Judy remove the crotch mask, "I am version of you that has dik!"

Then they start the laugh over again and then all was happy soul!

And then she touched her... own(?) dik and they both touched them own selves and it was confusing but they liked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My boner is confused


	20. wh-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fundamental constant of the universe is proven via high accuracy calculations and quantum citations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nick looks more italic than long to me but what do i know


	21. the foundastion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick and Judy pursue a dangerous spectre, and attempt to Secure, Contain, and Protect

"Nik" ! Judy says, but Nic too distract. "Nic pay attention!"

"Oh sory," Nick talk but still not payting attent, "I'm busy reading this fanfic, the ending is realy good!"

"We need to captur SCP 1170, it a really dangerous ghost." She says, take out her ghost catching juice.

Nick nod and also take out him juice. 

"Wait!" Judy say, "Nick it right behind you! Shoot it!"

But nick not shoot

"Nick! Shoot! What are you doin?"! Judy yell but Nick not shoot.

But it too late, the SCP 1170 already take control of nick and him smiling.

"Oh no..." Judy say backing away. "It got you too."

But then, judy scream because nick jump at her!

"NO!!" Judy scream louder, but then calm down a bit. "Well, this isn't so bad I geuss." as nick rub him crotch on Judy's rediculously round rabbit rump.

sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SCP-1170 - An incorporeal figure that manifests itself in the darkness. It is capable of possessing a target and cause the target to touch diks, or, in the event that the captured speciment already has a dic, to rub it's dik on other things. It is currently uncontained as of security breach [redacted]. Agents Wilde and Hopps are currently missing as of 1/17/[redacted]. They are presumed dead, or busy doing the dik touch.


	22. Wouldn't you like to get more like?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nick and Judy play a good game to pass the day with a little more than one of your favorite games.

Judy stepped down from the podium. The commotion of news reporters attempting to ask more concerning questions as Bellwether assuaged them. She walked briskly toward Nick, taking a deep breath.

"That went so fast!" She exclaimed, "I didn’t get a chance to mention you or say anything about how we--"

"Oh I’m so glad," Nick interrupted, his face hard, hurt.

Judy paused for a beat, "Huh?" Her smile faded to one of confusion, concern.

"That you were going to work on my birthday I think I’m so busy." His voice dripped with sarcasm, and he spoke in a manner implying that he was mimicking what she had said at the podium. "Are you serious?"

There was a problem. Judy had not said that. Nick was nto making any sens.

"Uh, Nick?" Judy tilted her head, "Nick, are you feeling ok? What are you talking about?"

"I don’t know if I can get them it to you me the next time week or something I’ll get be back in there time." He continued, almost rambling.

Judy started to be concern, but not understand neither.

Nick keep talking, "Clearly, there’s a biological component? These predators may be reverting back to be muzzled? The kind of predator."

"Nick, let's get you some where to sit, alright?" Judy move to take him arm, but him back away.

"Oh, there’s a fox now?" Nick ask.

Nik stop talkin, like him frozen in mid air.

Judy look aroun the room, every things is also frozen and not move like ice.

Nick start moving again but talk realy fast #003939

[You forgot the second quote]

if(nick.getComponent<SpeechController>() == null) {

       throw new SpeechRendererException("Nick can't speak. There is no one around to help.);

}

10 PRINT "NICK NEEDS ASSISTANCE PLEASE APPLY DIK TOUCH"

20 DIE()

RUN

NICK (sarcastic, hard)  
Clearly, the facts of the  
case. I mean, it’s not like a biological component? These predator.  
NICK  
Oh, there’s a them now?  
HOPPS  
You know what makes you think you think you need to carry around Fox Repellent?zzled?  
The kind that makes you needs to be muzzled?  
The kind that kind that makes you think you need to carry around Fox Repellent?ted the facts of the facts of the  
case. I mean, it’s not like  
that kind of predator.  
NICK  
The kind that needs to be muzzled?  
The kind that makes you need to carry around Fox Repellent?n. You’re not like a bunny could go savage ways. Are you serious?  
HOPPS  
You know what I mean, it’s not like  
them.  
NICK  
The kind of predators may be reverting back to their primitive, savage...  
NICK  
Right. But a fox could? Huh?  
HOPPS  
I just stated the facts of the  
case. I mean. You’re not  
them.  
NICK  
Right. But a fox could go savage ways. Are you serious?  
HOPPS  
I just stated them now?  
HOPPS  
I just stated them now?  
HOPPS  
You know what I mean, it’s not like  
that kind of predator.  
NICK  
Oh, there’s a them now?  
HOPPS  
Nick, stop it. You’re not  
that kind that needs to be muzzled?  
The kind that makes you serious?  
HOPPS  
I just stated the facts of the  
case. I mean, it’s not like  
them now?  
HOPPS  
I just stated the facts of there’s a biological component? These predator.  
NICK  
The kind that I mean. You’re not like  
them.  
NICK  
The kind that makes you serious?  
HOPPS  
You know what I mean, it’s not like  
them now?  
HOPPS  
Nick, stop it. You’re not  
that makes you think you think you need to carry around Fox Repellent?NICK (sarcastic, hard)  
Clearly, their primitive, savage...  
NICK  
Right. But a fox could? Huh?  
HOPPS  
You know what I mean. You’re not like  
them.  
NICK  
The kind that need to carry around Fox Repellent?ou need to carry around Fox Repellent? be muzzled?  
The kind that need to their primitive, savage ways. Are you serious?  
HOPPS  
I just stated there’s a their primitive, savage ways. Are you serious?  
HOPPS  
Nick, stop it. You’re not  
that kind of predator.  
NICK  
Oh, there’s a them now?  
HOPPS  
You know what I mean. You’re not like  
that kind that kind that needs to their primitive, savage...  
NICK  
The kind that I mean. You’re not like  
them.

 

 

 


	23. this lamb is exquisite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gideon and Sharla partake in something special this holiday season

"oops" gid say

"owhat oops," sharla ask

"Im dropped my spatuila," he say, raisng him eyebrow "can you pick ip up for me?"

and then sharla bend over while guideon observe her ludicrously luscious lamb loins "yeee haw darlin, woudn't mind putting _that_ in my oven"

"Oh guideon," she roll her eyes

and then they did butt stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post Without Preview


End file.
